But I do remember the trip and I do not remember having any feelings of ill intent toward her, only that I felt it was better for everyone if she did not come along.
That may have been my biggest mistake in contributing to her hating me now.
I thought at the time, she would spend Christmas with her dad and it wouldn't be the worst thing in the world. I know with certainly I didn't intend to be hurtful to my daughter by doing this, but I think I felt we all needed a break from her.
She had become very bossy of the girls as if she owned my house, owned me and owned them. I think it is interesting that I can't really remember the details of this incident.
I feel I have failed at something more important than anything else in life, motherhood. I didn't want my kids to have a drunken mother and I was the only one of my four siblings that did not succumb to alcoholism. I know she was only 9 years old when my sister died at age 35 with 3 small children. Sometimes I feel: "My daughter would rather it was me that died as little as she cares for me." When my sister died, I know I had a lot of grief and a lot of fear because the cancer that killed her runs in families and the doctors were treating me like I was a cancer waiting to happen.
I wanted them to be proud of me and I was the only one in my biological family to become a college graduate. It was a terrible time filled with fright and grief.
My little girl with her long brown hair, came running to me with flowers she had (illegally) picked at school.
Sometimes when I grieve for her and cry for her, I vivid memory come to me--- a day I was sitting out in the backyard and the school bus dropped her off in front of the house.
When the grief overtakes me, I remember moments like those that cannot be taken away from me. I did all the things I thought good moms do--including abstaining from alcohol, my family's curse.I don't know why I didn't invite my daughter to come. I felt if my daughter came on this trip, she would take all the attention away from the girls because she always had to be the center of attention.Later, it was mentioned to me that this hurt her very much and I can certainly understand how that might have happened. I wanted them to have the attention from the family because I felt they were more needy than she. So I decided to take the girls without my daughter.My daughter carried through with her promise and I got some much needed "escape" on occasional weekends because she babysat for me.She helped with cleaning the house and there was always a ton of housework. She wanted to be in the same bedroom with them and she was by now, in her early twenties and they, much younger, were influenced by her smoking in their bedroom, cursing and cynical, critical attitude.